


Burdens

by Dragonfeathers



Category: Slayers (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Emotional Baggage, F/M, Future Fic, Growing Up, Hurt/Comfort, Recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-04
Updated: 2017-12-08
Packaged: 2019-02-10 09:15:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12908886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dragonfeathers/pseuds/Dragonfeathers
Summary: Gourry’s been waiting for Lina for so long, but he knows she likes him back... right?Suddenly the realisation that he doesn’t know if Lina even wants him too comes crashing down on Gourry and it’s too much to bear, but his solution to the problem might just cause even more problems...





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Don’t get me wrong, I love Gourry, but... he is a bit of a tit, isn’t he? And if he wasn’t such a golden retriever of love, his behaviour towards Lina could get really toxic...

Time had not been kind to Gourry Gabriev. 

It had been five years since he had started to travel with Lina. Five years of wondering if his feelings would ever-could ever- be returned. Well... truthfully, he had given up on that a long time ago. 

\---- 

What he felt most of the time was resentment. His once cheerful demeanour had soured, and he talked less, silently trudging along next to Lina, glaring out at the world behind his fringe. He would still protect her, of course he would, he loved her more than anything but... well. He had heard people talking and saying that people who seem to hate each other were often really just in love, and he was beginning to think it worked the other way around, too. 

"Do stop hunching like that, Gourry!" He looked down at Amelia, who slapped her hand in between his shoulder blades and tried to force him back upright. 

"It's not good for you!" 

"Right." He said, and straightened a little. He hadn't noticed he'd been doing that again. It just always seemed to happen when he was feeling gloomy, and now that was pretty much all the time. 

"A good warrior of justice must also have good posture!" Amelia lectured, and would have carried on for who knows how long if Gourry hadn't shushed her. A sound had come from the bushes, and his hand went to his sword hilt reflexively. "Someone's there." 

The group quickly formed a defensive circle- Zelgadiss behind him, and Amelia and Lina on either side. He drew his sword, and a small group of young- looking bandits came out from the bushes, a burly young man with an eyepatch swaggering at the front marking himself as their leader. Since they happened to come from Gourry's direction, they assumed that he was the leader of the group. 

The man with the patch smirked. "What kind of a man needs a couple of little girls to defend him?" 

Gourry stepped forward, holding his sword casually in one hand. "Not me." He said through gritted teeth.

"Oh, my mistake," said the man, noticing Zelgadiss, "you have a couple of little girls, plus one weird stone- lookin' guy." 

"Don't talk about my friends like that." He said in a low voice. 

Both men stopped a couple of paces away from each other. 

"Gourry, what are you doing?" Lina sounded odd, but he didn't really care. He was looking forward to taking out some of his anger on these guys.

"Don't worry, Lina. I can take this guy." 

"Oh yeah, pretty boy? How about you put down your sword and we settle this like real men?" 

"Sounds good to me." He sheathed his sword again and brought his fists up to a guard. 

"Gourry! Stop it- "

But he had already plunged into the fray. (Man, it feels good to punch someone for once) he thought, as he easily redirected the bandit leader's fist and twisted his whole body into a right hook to the man's head, dislodging a couple of his teeth. He followed up by swinging back with a left hook to the man's stomach, then swept his legs out from under him and kicked him in the ribs for good measure. The whole thing had taken about ten seconds, and the rest of the bandit gang were frozen in place. 

Gourry shook out his hand and grinned, feeling the adrenaline flood his system. "Who's next?" 

Two of the men regained their senses and tried to attack him as a pair, but rather than wait for a combined attack he went for one of them first, dodging most of his flailing punches and hitting him in the throat, then grabbing him and bringing a knee up to his chest. Dragging the gasping man upright, he spun him around and flung him at his other assailant, then turned to grab a third man who had tried to help his fellow bandits, getting as far as to lay a hand on Gourry's shoulder before he brought an elbow to his face and then smashed through the man's knee with a downwards kick, making him scream and crumple to the ground. 

He spun back on his toes and assessed the situation. The Bandit leader and two men had been taken out. That left only two enemies, the one who had only just flung his unconscious comrade off of himself, and a smaller girl, hanging back at the edge of the fight. Best deal with the man first. 

He saw a flash of steel and realised that the man had partially drawn a knife he'd had hidden up his sleeve. It was easily avoided- he grabbed the knife hand as the man lunged, twisting it as he punched the man on the side of his head. He pulled the man's now limp knife arm up to his throat, but stopped just short of slitting it with his own knife, instead changing his grip on the man's hand and breaking his thumb. He collapsed to the ground and Gourry gave him a swift kick in the ribs, too, just to be sure. 

(He didn't hear his friends yelling at him to cut it out, that he was going too far, through the blood pounding in his ears.) 

He advanced on the girl, who was trembling but walking towards him. He could tell by how she held her hands that she had studied boxing, and it turned out that she was actually a decent fighter, evading his first couple of hits. He supposed she was used to fighting people who were taller than her, but his longer reach eventually won out and he grabbed her and boxed her ears repeatedly until someone grabbed his arm and he spun around with a roar to take on this new assailant, before he realised it was Zel, and that Amelia and Lina were both frozen where they had been standing earlier, and that Zel was yelling at him to stop. 

He did, and Zel punched him in the face. 

\---- 

"I don't think you deserve a recovery spell on that eye, Gourry." Said Amelia. 

"I don't think I do either." Said Gourry, looking at the floor. He was hunched up against a tree with his head on his knees, looking at his bloodied knuckles out of one eye. They seemed kind of far away, their stinging only slightly registering in his mind, almost like they belonged to another person. His eye throbbed a bit, but that too seemed disconnected from him. If Amelia and Lina hadn't been around to heal them, several of the bandits would have been permanently crippled. And that man with the knife- he shuddered. If Lina, Zel and Amelia hadn't been watching, who knows what he would have done. They were so young- little more than boys, really. The man with the eyepatch hadn't even needed it, he'd just been wearing it to look cool. 

"What were you thinking, Gourry?It's really not like you." Zel stared down at him with crossed arms. 

Gourry scrubbed at his eyes with the heels of his hands and huffed, unable to meet the chimera's piercing gaze. "I don't know. I just - when that kid started saying that stuff-I lost it, okay? I'm sorry." 

"It was very disproportionate to their crimes, Gourry!" Said Amelia. 

"I know, and I'm really glad they're all okay now, and I said I was sorry, okay?" He stood up and stalked off up the road, calling over his shoulder to his friends "let's get going." 

They walked along in silence. Lina hung back with Amelia and Zel instead of her usual place up front, leading the group with Gourry at her side. He tried not to grind his teeth as he stomped along, any anger that had been dispelled during the fight already building back up again in the pit of his stomach. 

\---

"You've gotta sort yourself out, Gabriev!" He told his reflection in the bathroom mirror as he dabbed at his eye with a damp cloth. It wasn't too bad, considering Zel's rocky fist, but it was still turning purple and keeping him from opening his eye fully. He pushed his hair off of his face so he could see better out from the other eye that was usually hidden behind his fringe, and started as he saw that the other eye was a bit purple underneath, too, before he realised that it was just from lack of sleep. Geez. He'd not been sleeping too well for a while, but he hadn't thought that it was that bad. 

Looking at his reflection for the first time in a while, he was forced to admit that he looked a mess. The shadows under his eyes, his unkempt, greasy hair, hell, even his clothes had turned to a dull grey after being washed and then covered again in the dirt of travelling and then washed again over the years. He felt as though he'd been washed to grey, too. He tried to school his expression back into a smile, but it just looked weird. At one point, he'd used to smile all the time- so much so that it used to annoy the hell out of Lina sometimes. He missed that version of himself, bounding through life without a care in the world. It looked like he'd been through hell since then, but he'd seen more than his fair share of heartbreak and violence even before he'd met Lina, and still had managed to hold on to his brighter self.

No, this wasn't to do with any actual hardship he'd been through. He'd brought this entirely on himself. He'd blindly assumed that   
if he waited long enough Lina would return his feelings. And the longer he waited, he realised now, the more he had felt that it was only a matter of time before Lina loved him. Just like poor Sylfiel. He grimaced. This had to stop. 

Straightening up, he addressed the grey man in the mirror. "She doesn't owe you anything. It's time to move on and get a grip." 

One half- closed eye stared balefully out at him, and he went to tuck his hair behind his ear, grimacing again as his fingers got tangled. He had styled it like this years ago, thinking that the long flowing hair and the fringe made him look cool and mysterious, but now... he hadn't been bothering with it as much as he used to, and it was in terrible condition. He combed through it with his fingers, but found that it had actually matted together in places especially at the back of his neck where he didn't usually think to brush it. He gave a couple more tugs at the knots, but then disentangled his hands and sighed, before grabbing his money and heading out to find a barbers.

\---

"Mister Gourry, what have you done?!" Shrieked Amelia when he headed back to the inn for dinner. He managed a weak smile and ran a hand over the hair on the back of his neck, still feeling odd and a bit cold. He'd just gone for the basic short back-and-sides, so he did look really different, he supposed. 

"I needed a change." He said, sliding in to the empty seat at the table. Across from Lina, rather than next to her like usual. He looked over at her and she kept on resolutely eating, not even acknowledging his presence. She must be really, really angry if she wasn't even yelling- usually she would start screaming and threatening fireballs over even the slightest insult. 

"Not change like this!" Cried Amelia, her eyes filling with tears. 

"Cut it out, Amelia." Said Zel with a smile. "Maybe you should grow your own hair out if you liked it so much." 

"It wouldn't be the same- not like a silky, golden mane, shining like the righteousness of mister Gourry's heart...." Amelia looked away dramatically, lost in her little reverie.

"I think it suits you fine, Gourry." Said Zel, passing over a serving dish of food. 

"Thanks." He said, accepting it and, rather than just switching out the casserole dish for his own plate like Zel and Amelia probably expected him to, he served himself an only slightly too-large portion and passed the dish back. 

"Are you feeling ill?" Asked Amelia, looking up from her own plate which was piled high with food. 

"No, I'm just not hungry I guess." Said Gourry, forcing himself to eat slowly. He was making a list of things to do to sort his life out in his head, and one of them was to eat like a normal person instead of just eating because he felt sad, a bad habit that had caused him to gain a bit of weight, which he h a t e d. That bit of softness was on the list to go- he didn't like to be reminded of his own weak resolve every time he automatically tried to buckle his armour on the old belt hole and it pinched his sides. So- no more stress eating. Maybe he could do stress- training instead? But he already trained for several hours each day if he had the time, and it seemed to do little for his stress or his anger - another problem he had to sort out somehow. 

He knew he had to sort out his sleep as well, something that didn't seem like it was going to be a problem today. His eyes were starting to drift closed by the time he'd finished his plate of casserole, and he was glad to have a soft bed to sleep in later. 

So. He was making progress. 

One: sort out his appearance. Check. He would go and buy a new blue shirt tomorrow, and that would make him look more cheerful too. 

Two: stop stress- eating and lose the weight. 

Three: find some way to actually deal with his anger. 

Four: sort out sleeping. 

And (the most difficult one)

Five: get over Lina Inverse. 

He noticed that Lina still hadn't talked to him over the course of the meal, hadn't even tried to steal any of his food, even. He cleared his throat. 

"Uh, guys?" 

Everyone's eyes, including Lina's, turned to him. He swallowed and looked down. "Uh, about today, I mean, um... I think I'm gonna stay here for a little while when you guys go look at that temple thing tomorrow? I think I need a break to try to sort myself out." He looked up, and was surprised to see Amelia and Zel looking relieved.

"I think that's probably a good idea." Said Zel, patting his shoulder, as Amelia nodded. "You look like hell, Gourry."

"Yeah." He looked to Lina for her permission. 

"Okay. It's fine by me. She said around a mouthful of dessert, her expression unreadable. 

"Thanks. If there's an emergency, send for me and I'll come running, but I think I could really use a change of pace." He stood up. "I think I'm gonna go to bed now. See you guys tomorrow." 

\---

Unfortunately, Gourry learned that night that sorting your life out is seldom as easy as just making up your mind to do it. Even though he was tired, he couldn't sleep. At first it was his new hair- it turned out that he couldn't sleep unless his ears were covered. They just felt cold, and unprotected, and every stray breeze or phantom itch had him starting awake, remembering stories he'd been told as a kid about bugs crawling into your ears. Without his hair, it was difficult to get both of his ears under the cover and his nose out of it so he could breathe, but he managed it eventually, only to wake again maybe three hours later when his brain decided that that was enough sleep, thank you, and that it was time to get up. 

He looked at the gap between the curtains and sighed- it wasn't even dawn. He felt so tired. The bags under his eyes hurt, he was so tired (even the one that wasn't under a black eye.) He tossed and turned into a new position every minute or so trying to get comfy, but then decided it was a test of resolve, and lay flat on his back with his eyes tightly shut until he could hear the birds start to chirp. He opened his eyes with a groan. He had that dry taste in his mouth that comes from being stressed and overtired, and it was kind of bothering him. He sat up and fumbled through his stuff for his water canteen, and drank before laying face down and stuffing his head under the pillow to block the sound of the birds. 

\----

He must have fallen asleep again at some point, because he woke up from a dream about trying to hold a bunch of cats in his arms. They had been slippery for some reason, and he had to keep picking them up as they slithered off the pile and putting them back on top, and chasing after the ones which slipped away across the floor before they got stepped on. somehow, in the way that you are in dreams, he was absolutely certain that these all of these cats would die if he couldn't keep them off the floor. 

He shook his head, going automatically to push his hair off of his face before remembering he had cut it off and sighing. The sun was streaming in through the curtains by now, and the others had said that they would be leaving an hour after sunrise, so he had probably missed them. The temple they were searching today wasn't too far away though, so he'd see them again later. 

He was deeply grateful that he and Lina had been travelling with Amelia and Zel when this happened, and even more grateful that he trusted Amelia and Zel to protect Lina when he wasn't there. He could never let Lina travel alone into possible danger, even though she was a powerful sorceress who really didn't need protecting at all. But, one person is only one person, and they only have one set of eyes and ears, and it's good to have someone else to watch out for you, in any case. At least, that's what he had been telling himself since he realised that Lina truly was stronger than him, and any offer of his to protect her wouldn't be of much practical use. 

Right. Time to face the day. 

He was ridiculously hungry after the normal-sized dinner he had last night, so he allowed himself a big breakfast of tea, scrambled egg and a stack of plain toast (no more butter until he was back to normal size, damnit!) Then he went to buy a new shirt. He lingered over a matching black shirt and trousers (wouldn't that be cool- a mysterious knight dressed all in black,) but he thought that would be too dour and instead bought a shirt in the same cornflower blue that his current one used to be, and some more practical brown trousers. 

He wasn't wearing his armour in such a sleepy town, just to go shopping, and he was regretting it. He felt smaller and a lot less impressive. Instead of the strong swordsman in shining armour with long hair blowing in the wind, now he just looked like some guy carrying a bunch of clothes. 

He shook his head. He would train when he got back to the inn, train really hard until he couldn't think anymore. Maybe start with some sword forms with arm weights on, and then some empty- hand drills, followed by a run? That sounded good. Maybe then some crunches and sit ups, to try to get rid of this stupid weight faster. That would be good to tick off the list. 

How on earth was he ever going to get over Lina though? 

He felt like Amelia would tell him to do some affirmations or something, but the thought of saying "Lina doesn't love me back" out loud made his heart hurt. There had to be a better way. 

He thought hard about it as he slowly walked back through the sleepy high street, and it must have shown on his face, because a man called out to him from a shop. 

"Penny for your thoughts, my friend!" 

Gourry looked around. "What, me?"

"Yes!" The man leaned on the wall outside an apothecary, smoking a pipe which made some strange purple smoke. He was pale, middle aged with plain black hair, and seemed to be in a good mood with the world, with a smile hidden in the corner of his eye that twinkled at Gourry. "You seem troubled. Can I help at all?" 

"I doubt it, but thanks anyway." He went to walk further down the street, but stopped abruptly as the man said 

"I can make her love you."

Gourry's blood had turned to ice as a thousand daydreams he had had about Lina rose to the front of his mind and seemed to become almost tangible. He swallowed, but when he spoke his voice was hoarse. "What did you say?" 

The man laughed. "It seems that I guessed right! My dear friend, I am a master of my craft! I can produce the sincerest of affection, distil it down and funnel it into a bottle for you! All you'd have to do would be to give it to her." 

Gourry turned to face the man. "No, that wouldn't be right." He bit his lip, and the man watched him eagerly. " But... would you be able to make me forget how I feel about her? I used to be able to deal with it, but now all these feelings just feel... like a burden I guess." He stopped, embarrassed to be spilling all of his feelings to a stranger. 

"That can be arranged." 

\---

"Like you felt before, you said? How long ago was it exactly?" 

Gourry shifted about on his chair, watching as the apothecary behind the counter weighed various powders and sifted them together into a small crucible. "About five years ago." He said. 

"I will need five of your hairs." 

Gourry leaned forwards and let the man pluck them with tweezers, watching as he brought out a pair of scissors and chopped the hairs into tiny, tiny bits. He mixed these with the powder, and then placed the crucible onto a burner. He turned over a sand timer and tapped a rhythm on the counter as he watched it. He added some liquid from a vial, and after the timer was done he took the crucible off of the flame and scraped the thick liquid out of it onto a glass tile. He rolled it into a rounded cylinder shape, then picked it up and doused it in a cup of water before rolling it in some white powder and presenting it to Gourry. "Eat this and your problem will be solved. That will be forty gold, please." Gourry crunched up the bitter medicine between his back teeth as he dug in his wallet for the money. It was so bitter, but hopefully worth it. The outside had a sweet taste and he belatedly realised that he should have asked the apothecary not to roll it in sugar for the sake of his diet before his tongue started to feel kind of numb. 

"Izzit meanta feel like this?" He asked the apothecary as his vision blurred and he slumped forwards. His head tingled, and before he knew it, his hair was growing out until it reached his waist again. His black eye seemed to be healing again as well, and he felt a jolt in his shoulder that he realised was where his collarbone had broken and set badly two years ago. A wave of energy washed over him, and he didnt feel tired any longer. He felt... happy! His jaw didn't ache from grinding his teeth, his stomach didn't hurt from worrying, hell, his belt even felt loose around his waist again! As his vision cleared, he sat up and felt where the lump in his collarbone should be. "Wow. That's amazing!" He beamed at the apothecary. "Thank you so much! Whatever you did, it worked!" He slid off of the stool and practically skipped off into the street. Whatever happened with Lina now, he had a clean slate and he could go on being her closest friend no matter what. 

His head felt kind of fuzzy as he tried to remember where they were staying, but it was a sunny day and the town was pretty, so he didn't mind wandering a little while amongst the brightly painted houses with their well tended cottage gardens. 

He found a cat and crouched down, and was absolutely delighted when it came and rubbed its chin on his outstretched hands with a purr. 

\---

The street was quiet, and he recognised Lina and the gang's footsteps on the cobbles from quite a way away. He said goodbye to the cat and stood up, noticing the clothes as they fell to the floor. Oh yeah, he had bought them earlier. He gathered them up, and then turned to greet the others with a smile. "Hey you guys!"

Amelia launched herself at him with a shriek and dived for his hair. "Gourry! Your hair is back!" She gathered an armful of silky hair and stroked it like a pet, before rubbing her face on it.

"Back?" He said vaguely. Then he remembered. "Oh yeah, I got this potion thing..." he trailed off. Man, his memory was bad today. Must be from not sleeping last night. 

She looked up at him with shining eyes. "Can I braid it?" 

"do you have to?" 

Lina looked at him a little frostily for a minute whilst Amelia got started before she asked "what were you doing up here by the temple?" 

"I'm near the temple?" He looked behind him to see that he'd wandered up the hillside, and that the temple Lina and the others had just been to loomed over his head.   
"Oh, I got lost on my way back from the thing." 

Lina sighed and grabbed a handful of his fringe and towed him back in the direction of the inn. "geez, we can't leave you alone for two minutes, can we?" 

"Nope." He grinned. She may be acting exasperated but she was talking to him again and she was smiling as she dragged him along, Amelia trailing behind weaving handfuls of hair over each other, and Zel bringing up the rear, chuckling.

It felt good to be back.


	2. Chapter 2

Something wasn't right. Not just the fact that Gourry's hair was back all of a sudden, but the fact that he was so damn cheerful was suspicious. 

Lina looked at him from the corner of her eye as he demolished another plate of roast. She swiped a Yorkshire pudding off of Amelia's plate and narrowed her eyes at him as she chewed, ignoring Amelia's protests. It just seemed w r o n g now, after so long travelling with him griping and moaning at her all the time. Seeing him laugh and act normally again reminded her of why she used to love him- his smile was so bright it seemed to warm her up inside, a feeling she didn't realise how much she'd missed. 

She still cared for him, but... lately, she had stopped wishing for him to make a move and started hoping that he wouldn't. His bad mood was just poisonous, and he no longer seemed to have patience for anything that wasn't fighting, training or food. He had said yesterday that he was going to sort himself out, but she just couldn't believe that he had done it this quickly. It felt like he was faking it, and there'd be an explosion later. 

"So... where's Xellos gotten to?" Gourry asked, finishing his plate and leaning back with a sigh.

"Xellos? I dunno- I haven't seen him in ages." Lina said, putting her own plate down.

"But - he was just here?" Gourry looked around, as if he was expecting the Monster priest to materialise any moment. "At least, I think so..." he added, after a moment. He looked at the table and frowned. "I can't really remember actually." 

"Why did you need to see him?" She asked. 

"Well, I thought we were gonna discuss strategy? I mean, this hellmaster character is meant to be pretty strong, right?" He stared at Lina as though she was the one with the problem. she gazed at him, open mouthed.

"That was years ago, Gourry!" Chided Amelia.

"Yeah, even for you that's pretty bad." Zel looked concerned. "What makes you think we're fighting phibrizzo again?"

"Again? We still don't know if we can defeat him the first time! We could barely even defeat that huge guy in the coat and then phibrizzo just came in and took him out like it was nothing!"

"Gourry... what are you talking about?" 

He scratched his head and looked just as worried as they all did. "What are you guys talking about?" 

\---

Gourry's confusion only mounted higher and higher as the others all started to talk over each other. 

"Did you get a concussion somehow today?"  
"Is this a joke or something?"  
"Are you feeling tired?"

Lina cut through the other two when she looked down at his forearms and almost shrieked. "Your burn scars have gone!" 

"Burn scars?" He said, as she grabbed his arm and turned it around, frantically. 

"Yeah! About two years ago you got hit with a fire spell and you tried to block it with your arms and got burned so badly I couldn't heal it all the way-" she broke off and stared at his face. "Your black eye has gone." 

Gourry frowned. He remembered something about that- but that was a long time ago, he thought. Or maybe it wasn't? Somehow, his memory seemed more jumbled up than usual. 

"I thought you'd just got it healed when you went to get the potion for your hair- but then-" she reached out and felt along his collarbone, frowning. Then she pulled down the neck of his top and looked in. 

"Lina, what-"

"It's totally healed! Almost like it was never broken..."

"Lina, I've never broken my collarbone before. And yeah, that burn thing does sound like something I would do, apart from I haven't done it."

Amelia shuddered. "No, I was there when you broke your collarbone. Your arm came right out of its socket."

"And I remember Lina asking me for help about cosmetic spells to heal the scar tissue on your arms." Added Zel. 

"You guys..." 

"You seriously don't remember we defeated phibrizzo? When I had to cast the giga slave?" 

"And then you went charging into the sea of chaos and brought Miss Lina back?" Asked Amelia with a sparkle in her eyes. (Gourry noticed Lina blush and wished he knew why.)

"And then when we met Filia and everything that happened in the outer world with lord dark star?" Added Zelgadis. 

"And then that time with the fish people-" 

"And Pokota and chief inspector Wiser-"

"And valgaav?"

"And the rolly-rolly festival-"

"-and saving taforashia?"

"Guys!" Gourry held up his hands. "Look, I know a lot of the time I don't know what you're talking about, but this time I r e a l l y don't know what you're talking about!" 

"You aren't remembering anything that happened to us for years." Said Zel. 

"Seriously?" Gourry squeezed his eyes shut and thought as hard as he could. "But it doesn't feel like anything's wrong?" He said, feeling his head with his hands as well as trying to with his mind. 

Lina stared at him suspiciously, while reaching over to grab some more food. "So what do you remember? You talked about our fight with Gaav earlier- do you remember stuff from before then?"

"Like what?"

"Well- like the stuff that happened in Atlas city and Sairaag, and all the stuff that happened before."

"Like fighting Rezo and Copy-Rezo." Said Zel in a grim tone. 

"Yeah, I remember that! Not all the details, but I know what happened." He brightened. "That time with the temple and the costumes- I remember it really well! You and Amelia had to wear those costumes that made your breasts actually look a decent size-" 

Lina clonked him over the head with an empty soup bowl. "You leave my breasts out of this! This is important, Gourry!" 

"Sorry." He cringed and rubbed his head. "Do you think there's something wrong with my memory?!" 

"Actually, I'm starting to think that there's something wrong with all of you, Gourry." 

He gave her his best offended glare. 

"Not like that, Mister Gourry." Said Amelia, patting his arm. "It's just that you're missing some scars you got in the past couple of years, plus your hair is back and your memory has gone..."

"So it seems as though there's been some sort of mix-up." Finished Zel. "Almost as though the Gourry from five years ago has been brought into the future." 

Everyone stared at him, and he fidgeted a little. "Really? That sounds a bit - I dunno- how would that even happen?" 

Lina smacked her fist into her palm. "I KNEW we shouldn't have left Gourry on his own for a whole day!" She turned to him and jabbed a finger into his arm. "You were talking about a potion earlier. What was it for?" 

Gourry scrunched up his face as he thought. "...Forgetting something."

Lina smacked herself on the forehead. "We know you're forgetting something, you jellyfish, we want to know what the potion was for!"

"No, I think that that was what the potion was for- forgetting something. I can't remember what-ugh-" he winced as a wave of pins-and-needles washed over him "when I try to think about it too hard everything goes funny." 

"Why did you think you needed help forgetting something? You'd forget your own head if it wasn't screwed on." Lina's right eye was twitching now, as she tried her hardest to be patient and failed.

Gourry shrugged. "Must have been something big, I guess."

"Do you think that would happen? That a potion meant for forgetting something would end up scrambling someone's whole body?" Asked Amelia doubtfully. 

Zel shook his head. "I wouldn't think so. Do you remember where you got the potion, Gourry?" 

"A shop?" 

"I'm gonna take that as a no." Lina sank down and rested her chin on the table. "I guess tomorrow we'll just have to march him around all the apothecary's and potioneers in town until we find a shopkeeper that recognises him." 

"Sounds like our only choice." Agreed Amelia, nodding. 

"I guess all this would explain why you seem a little taller, Amelia." Gourry said, scratching his chin. "And Lina-" he turned to face her, his eyes glinting and a serious expression on his face. "I think your breasts might have even grown a tad." 

Lina shot up from the table and broke a plate over his head. "WHAT IS WITH YOU AND MY BREASTS?!" She shrieked. 

"I just like to keep an eye on them is all." Admitted Gourry, rubbing the second lump on his head from that evening. 

Lina blushed. "I'm gonna turn in. See you guys tomorrow and hopefully we can sort this out." She gave Gourry one final cuff on the ear and went off to the room she and Amelia would share for the night. 

 

"So... you guys are from the future?" 

"More like you're from the past." Said Zel. 

"So, we still all travel together?" He beamed. "That's great! You guys are the best! What have we been doing?" 

Amelia looked worried. "Should we tell him? I mean, what if he goes back to the past and changes stuff?"

Zel frowned. "No, I don't think that's it- if he'd actually been from the past then there would be future Gourry running around with us in the past and we'd definately have noticed that. I think this is more like a copy of what he used to be, somehow." 

"So I'm not from the past?" Asked Gourry. 

"Well, you sort of are- it's complicated." 

"Hmm." There was one Yorkshire pudding that had somehow been abandoned in a serving dish, and Gourry wondered if it had gone cold by now. Then he decided that it probably didn't matter, and ate it anyway. "So what'm I like in the future?" He asked through a mouthful of gravy and batter. 

Zel and Amelia looked at each other and wouldn't say anything.

"What?" Gourry looked from one to the other with growing worry. "Did I do something? Something bad? What happened?"

"Well..." Zel looked away and wouldn't meet his eyes. "You got a lot quieter."

"To be honest, you don't seem very happy to be with us lately, Mister Gourry." Amelia said. "I think you have something that's worrying you that you don't want to talk about." 

"Oh. That's... not what I expected. It's kind of sad, actually." 

"Yeah."

Gourry chewed the inside of his cheek and wondered if he should ask if anything happened with Lina. But then, even if he had managed to scrape together the courage to ask her out and she'd refused, Zel and Amelia probably wouldn't know about it. 

"So, what have you two been up to then? How old are you guys now, anyway? We must be nearly the same age, right?"

"Yeah, I think so. I'm going to be twenty soon." Said Amelia. "My advisors keep telling me I need to stop travelling so much." She put her head on the table and groaned. "Some of them are even talking about marriage."

"Can't you just tell them your only love is justice?" Said Zel with a smirk. "I'm sure your father would understand that, at least." 

Before he could think about it, Gourry asked "You mean you two aren't together yet?" 

Amelia and Zel both cringed, and Gourry smacked his hand over his mouth. "I'm sorry! That was really tactless! I just assumed-"

"No, we're not." Said Zel. He looked the saddest Gourry had ever seen him. Amelia blushed and fidgeted with her bracelet, avoiding everyone's eyes.

"Um- so anyway, you guys said you went to the outer world? What was that like? How far outside the barrier did you get?" Gourry scrambled to change the subject as fast as possible, and his friends gratefully took the lifeline.

"It was amazing! There were so many different people! We're still busy at the palace negotiating treaties and trade deals- and there was some beautiful scenery- like this one place where all the rocks were in hexagon shapes." Said Amelia brightly. 

"Was that some kind of temple?"

"No, it's actually natural! Mister Zelgadis said it was something to do with volcanoes."

"Yes, when a certain type of lava cools down in the right conditions, it forms hexagonal crystals." 

"But we saw lots of temples too- like the temple of the fire dragon king- it's so big it's like a mountain!" 

"I wish I could remember it." 

"Well, you'll be able to again when we get you sorted back out." Said Zel, standing up and patting Gourry on the shoulder. "At least, as much as you normally remember anything."

"Mmm." 

"Don't you worry, Mister Gourry!" Said Amelia. "I'm sure we'll get all this sorted out tomorrow! Let's get some rest so we can tackle this head-on in the morning."

Gourry and Amelia stood too, and they made their way up to their rooms, Amelia splitting off to go to the room she was sharing with Lina on the way. Zel pulled off his cloak and got into bed immediately, mumbling a brief 'g'night,' before blowing out his candle and pulling the covers up over his head. 

It was strange. Apparently he was five whole years away from his correct place in time, yet everything seemed so familiar. Zel had always used to sleep like that, curled up and buried under as many blankets as he could get his hands on. If they were camping, or if the beds were close enough together, Gourry would wake up to find that Zel had stolen his blanket, too. It was kind of endearing to see that this small break in Zel's aloof and mature attitude was still there even after all these years. 

Gourry shook his head and smiled, sitting down on his own bed and starting to remove his armour. It was so hard to believe that he was in the wrong time. All of his things were the same. He had the same bag, the same armour, even the same shirt, although as he pulled it off, he noticed how many more times it had been torn and repaired than he last remembered. Something seemed wrong though-

The sword of light. A feeling of dread rushed through him so fast he felt lightheaded. Was it gone? Why didn't he have it? (Had it been taken from him? Had he failed to keep it away from people who would use it for evil?) He checked through his belongings again with shaking hands just to be sure he hadn't just missed it or something (don't be stupid, you don't just not notice the most precious thing you own,) but of course, it wasn't there. 

\----

Lina hadn't managed to get to sleep, so she was reading. Amelia was making quiet snuffling noises from the bed next to her, but Lina was used to that, and it wasn't the reason she couldn't sleep, or the reason she couldn't seem to focus on more than a paragraph or two before her mind wandered. 

No, that was because of Gourry. She sighed. All this business with past-Gourry was stirring up some feelings in her that she would rather stay buried. All the feelings for his past self shouldn't really matter considering how he'd changed lately, and she knew from twenty years of watching other people try that you can't make a person happy just by loving them. There was something Gourry needed to sort out before he was ready for that again, so he could change back from this closed-off, sour man he had become. Seeing him bouncing around grinning because of the effects of this potion this evening had only thrown his recent behaviour into sharper relief. 

Lina shook her head and tried to refocus on learning the new diagram for protection runes she had been studying, but after reading the same line three times she shut the book with a huff. "That stupid man..." she said, under her breath. 

Then she heard a muffled sob from next door. Gourry! He was crying- she had never heard him cry before but there was no mistaking it. Her heart skipped a beat and her first thought was that he must have heard her and that was what had made him cry, but of course- he would be feeling upset. Anyone would be to find themselves with a memory that didn't match up to what was around them, even someone as relaxed and happy-go-lucky as past Gourry. 

She should pretend that she didn't hear and just go to sleep.

(No, that's not what he needs, Lina.) she thought crossly. (That's just what you wish he wanted.) No one wants to cry by themselves in a scary situation when someone could come and reassure them. 

Careful not to wake Amelia, she crept to the door and knocked at Gourry and Zel's room. The quiet sounds of crying stopped, but other than that, no one acknowledged her presence. 

"Gourry?" She murmured. "I'm going to come in." She turned the doorknob as quietly as she could and pushed it open.

Baleful eyes met hers in the light of a dim candle, and her heart ached. She sat down gently on the bed next to Gourry and passed him a hanky in silence. He wiped the tears off of his face and scrubbed the hanky on his closed eyes, trying to force himself to stop crying, even though his breath was still coming in uneven gulps and his whole face was crumpled with sadness. 

Lina sat awkwardly next to him, wanting to maybe pat him on the back but hesitating because he was shirtless, and touching bare skin seemed inappropriate. 

Just as she was about to ask how she could help, he cut in. "What happened to the sword of light?" He asked quietly. 

"You were crying over your sword?" 

"What happened to it?" He snapped. 

"Well there was a whole thing with lord Dark Star being brought into our dimension, and we had to use it to bind him, and ... well, it's gone, anyway." She gulped. "I had no idea it was so precious to you." 

He stared at the floor. "So it's safe? No one can get it?"

"No, no one." She gently touched his back. "What do you mean, safe?"

His eyes were glassy as he spoke in a flat voice. "My family kept killing each other to own it. So I took it and ran, before they killed me as well."

"What?" 

"I'm kinda surprised it apparently never came up in five years." 

"I could kind of tell you didn't want to talk about your past, but I had no idea it was anything like that." She said as he brought his legs up and hugged his knees.

"Well, you know." He said as he rested his forehead on his crossed arms. "These things happen." 

(No they don't!) thought Lina, but she knew him better than to press the matter. "Is there anything else that's bothering you?" 

He snorted. "Apart from everything?" He stood up and grabbed a shirt. "You guys are the same but just kind of off. I'm apparently missing a huge chunk of my memories. And I don't have the sword of light." He tied on some arm weights and grabbed his sword and scabbard. "I'm gonna go train." 

"It's practically midnight." 

"I don't feel like trying to sleep." He said, heading for the door. 

"Gourry?" She said and he turned back. She ducked her head and blurted. "If you do need to talk- about anything- you know you can come to me, right?" She looked up to see his expression soften a little as he nodded, before he left to train outside.

\----

Gourry was woken up by Lina crashing into the boys' room to inform them that they had half an hour to get ready before they left and That Means You, Gourry Gabriev. He groaned and turned over. Everything ached like hell from training last night- he hadn't stopped until the sun rose, and he realised as he sat up that he still had the arm weights on and was getting mud all over the sheets from his boots- which he hadn't managed to take off either, apparently. 

He scrubbed his hands over his eyes. He just wanted a b r e a k. The knowledge that even five years into the future he wasn't going to be together with Lina was crushing. He wanted to forget it all and just for things to go back to normal- but apparently even when he was normal, in the future he was still depressed. Even sleep hadn't been much of a break, since talking about the sword of light last night had made several long-dead family members appear in his dreams, which left him feeling hollow like the grief was fresh all over again. 

"Are you okay?" Asked Zel gently, and Gourry noticed that some tears had come out of his eyes and were now dribbling down his nose.

"Not really." He admitted, wiping his face on his sleeve as he stood up and started to put his armour on.

Zel, who looked as though he had been ready for hours already, put down the cup of coffee he was nursing and sighed. "Do you- would you like..." 

Gourry looked up at Zel, who was holding out his arms kind of awkwardly. "Thanks." He said as he hugged Zelgadis tightly and the chimera patted him awkwardly on the back. 

"There, there." Said Zel, for whom Gourry knew physical affection was not something he was comfortable with. 

He squeezed the chimera tighter, and then gulped and pulled away. "I guess we'd best be going, then." He said, trying to smile. 

From the look on Zel's face, it wasn't convincing. 

He could feel Amelia and Lina staring across the breakfast room as he grabbed some toast and coffee, and tried not to cringe as he sat down with them, staring resolutely into his plate and shoving toast into his mouth before they tried to make conversation. 

Eventually, Lina scoffed and threw her hands up dramatically. "Jeez, who needs another potion, looks like you're miserable again anyway!" 

"Miss Lina, that's not kind." 

Amelia glared at Lina, and then Gourry got a sharp kick to the shin under the table. "Ouch, Lina, that was me!"

"Good." She stood up, shoving her chair back with a clatter. "I'm sick of having you angry with me all the time." 

Lina was still angry with him when they set out later, and would only talk to Amelia and Zel as they searched for the right potion maker. He was no use- the events of the last afternoon were all fuzzy, and before that was a complete blank. He trudged along at the back of the group, feeling miserable. 

Amelia hung back and patted him on the back, trying to make him stand up straight. "Don't worry, Mr Gourry." She said, too brightly. He managed a small smile back, and she squeezed his hand before speeding back up to Lina and Zel. 

\--- 

Lina tried not to look at Gourry as they systematically checked every potion-makers in the town. Paying him attention when he got like this only made him act out even more, and the only other option was to wait it out. Then again, she thought with a grimace, his last strop had lasted for three years. 

They'd checked three of the five possible locations, when en route to the next one a man called out to them. 

"Hello again! How goes it?" 

To Lina's surprise, it was Gourry who answered.

"Hey." 

The man came up and patted Gourry on the shoulder. "Feeling better? Enjoying the old hair?" He lowered his voice and smirked "the women?"

"Uh, I'm doing okay, I think?" 

"Wait, are you the one who sold Gourry the potion?" Asked Zelgadiss. 

The man nodded and beamed. "It seems to have worked a treat." He wrapped an arm around Gourry's shoulders and shook him a little. "A little more carefree again, don't you think?" 

"A little too carefree." Said Lina grimly. 

"Oh, don't say that! It looks like you've already been loading the worries of the world back on him, by the looks of those panda bags under his eyes." 

"It's not their fault." Gourry ducked out of the arm, touching his face a bit self-consciously. "You can't find you're missing five years of memory without it being stressful." 

"True. I tried to make the timing easier on your memory- suppressing the long term and leaving the short- how did I do? I don't get many of these, you see, and I wanted to see if there was an improvement."

Gourry shrugged, but before he could reply Lina cut in. "So his memory's not gone? Just suppressed?"

"Well, yes. It should fade in time, though." 

"Can you get it back?" 

"Of course I can."

Lina sighed with relief. "Oh thank the gods." She turned around and gave Gourry a real smile, feeling a twinge of sadness as she saw his confusion. 

The potioneer turned to Gourry with a frown. "But do you want to be turned back? There was a reason you came to me, you know."

"Huh? Of course he wants to go back." Lina snapped, but the older man ignored her and stared at Gourry, who was chewing his lip and fidgeting. 

"You do seem much happier." 

"Do I?" Lina's heart sank as she saw the hope and confusion on his face. 

"You do. Think about it- you have a brand new future ahead of you- without these worries hanging over your head."

And without the memories of all our adventures together, thought Lina sadly. All the friends we made, and people we lost, and all the laughter and danger and victories we've experienced together. 

—- 

Gourry looked over at Lina’s hopeful face and his heart sank. He didn’t really get what was going on but- everyone seemed to want him to go back to feeling miserable again? 

The potioneer looked at him with a dubious expression. “I really think you should think this through a little- you have some time before the memories are gone permanently.”

“Oh.” He chewed his lip and looked at his friends. “Was I better - I mean- am I better in the future? Why do you even need me back? It does sound like I’ve turned into kind of a shitty person.”

“Well, Yeah.” Said Lina, before Amelia elbowed her. 

“Just because you were miserable doesn’t mean you weren’t our friend, Gourry. We still care for you and it would be a shame if you forgot everything that happened to us.” Unexpectedly, it was Zel who provided the emotional comfort. Huh. Gourry guessed he really had matured over these five years.

“So you want me to go back to being miserable?” 

“Well, no, but we don’t want you to just keep avoiding your problems.”

“Yeah! Amelia struck a pose. “Taking the cowardly way out isn’t like you, Gourry.”

Actually, he thought it sounded a lot like him. The kind of man who would stew over a girl for five fucking years and then lash out like it’s her fault was the worst kind of coward. 

He sighed.

“Okay. I’ll change back.”

“Alright then. Come with me.” The potioneer patted him on the back and started to lead him back to his shop. 

\- 

Lina watched as Gourry slid onto the stool behind the counter and sighed, resting his chin on the table. She patted him on the back gingerly as she and the others crowded behind him. 

“That’ll be forty gold again.” Said the potioneer as he began to gather ingredients. 

“What?”

“Well, there was nothing wrong with my remedy. If you ask me he doesn’t need this one now.”

“Oh yeah? What makes you the expert on his emotional state?” 

The man snorted. “He did ask for the potion in the first place.”

“Yeah, So? He’s a bit of an idiot, in case you haven’t noticed.” 

“Isn’t he supposed to be your friend?” Asked the man, but before Lina could cut in, he carried on. “His reasons made sense to me.”

“And what were they?” 

The man leaned down and looked her in the eye. “He was in love with someone who he thought would never love him back.”

“What?” 

“Desperately in love. And yet his own self -loathing made him drive her away, until he couldn’t bear it anymore. So he came to me.” He leaned back up as Lina took a few shaky steps backwards. 

“Gourry- is this true?” She Asked faintly, looking over to the stool where he had been sitting. 

But there was no one there. 

-

Lina found him on the hill by the temple, running through sword Kata. 

She perched on a broken pillar and watched him for a while. His face was set and determined, expression not changing even when his eyes flicked over to her for a moment as she sat down. He went through the patterns stiffly and mechanically, silent except for a hiss of exhaled air on each slash. 

“Why did you run?” 

“The smell of the remedy brought back some memories.”

“Oh.” She looked down at her knees. “You came here to think it over.”

“I hate thinking.”

“I noticed.” She said with a wry smile. 

He just grunted and went back to training.

The sun was starting to set, turning the hillside a beautiful pinkish orange. Lina admired it in silence until he was ready to talk again. 

“You know when you're training and everything else just slows down? I needed that.” He finally admitted. “I needed to calm down and sort myself out.”

“Hmm.” Said Lina, watching as he flicked his blade then sheathed it, coming over and sitting next to her. 

He sighed. “Which Gourry did you prefer?” He asked morosely. 

“Gourry?!”

“C’mon, old me or new me? I sure as hell don’t know which is better.”

“I can't decide for you, Gourry!”

“I wish you could.” He said, putting his head in his hands. “What did you think of new Gourry?”

Lina frowned. “He seemed ...” (when did we start to think of Gourry as two people already, she thought.) “... he seemed sad, but somehow that turned into anger. And you kind of took it out on us, but we put up with it because we love you. And you still loved us, you know? I don't think we were very good at helping you.”

“But we had some wonderful times, these past five years, and it makes me sad to think that for you they didn't happen anymore, you know?”

He laughed sadly. “When did you get so mature?”

“It's been five years. I'm really not a child anymore, Gourry.” She patted his hand and stood. Well, whatever you decide to do, meet us back at the inn. Amelia’s paying for dinner again and you don’t want to miss that.”

——

Smoothing a hand over his short hair, Gourry entered the inn and tried a smile as he waved to his friends. Everything felt a little better than it had before this whole thing happened, a lot better when he hugged his friends and slid in at the table, back next to Lina again. As she ruffled his hair and tried to steal the meatballs from his pasta, he started to make a new list. 

\- One. Get Zel to teach him some calming techniques for when he's angry.   
\- Two. Try to make peace with buckling his belt on a wider notch, but cut down on the sweets a little.   
\- Three. Get a potion to help him sleep short-term, and long term try to find a better method to get more sleep. Take better care of his body in general.   
\- Four. Don't take his anger out on his friends. 

And finally: 

\- Five. Try to work up the courage to ask Lina out when he was feeling in a better place. 

It was going to be a long way back to being happy again, but with his friends and Lina there for him, for the first time in a long while, he felt like it might be possible after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading, I really hope you enjoyed! This ones really close to my heart- I have depression too, although for different reasons to Gourry here, obviously ^^; 
> 
> Even if you don’t have friends like Lina and co, there’s always a reason to keep going! Beautiful sunsets, seeing the blossom next spring- hell,even stuff like getting to pay more dogs and finishing your favourite anime are good reasons too! 
> 
> And, if there’s someone you like, maybe ask them out sooner rather than later :’)


End file.
